A Day I Thought Would Never Come / by Neil Blake

 A day a didn't think would come so soon, finaly has. Yesterday was the first time that I have ever put thought into what it would be like to move back home to be closer to family and save money, which I need to do for the first time in my life. Every time I start to think about it though, tears instantly start swelling up in my eyes.  The thought of moving back east was a big part of why CM and I would fight so much, which, among many other things, would eventually lead to our divorce. 

 Sometimes, I'm pretty sure I know that it would be a good thing for me financially. Then there is the side of me that just knows that all of those financial gains would come at a HUGE emotional cost, which I am simply not able or willing to even try paying. 

One interesting thing that I am also so surprised by is the fact that CM is still here in Vancouver, just across Burrard Inlet. I really wish we had both thought about all this a little bit more, and had actually communicated properly about it. I do also really wish that I looked deeper into having children back then.  the same way I do today. 

Also, I think one final thing that is really not helping me let go of her and what we had together is the fact that neither of us ever even tried to get back together, which I can totally understand from her perspective. That is just one part that hurts a lot when I think back to that time. That and how I let myself get so distracted by what, I now consider to be, such an ugly human being, expecially when compared to the absolutely beautiful woman I once hoped to spend the rest of my days with, and eventually have kids with.

The thing that really kills me though is how I decided to end it in the most painful way I possibly could have. It also put an absolutly permanent "DONE" stamp, for her at least, on the relationship. 

In the end, I have learned SO much and I can't wait to use this new found knowledge.

Anyway I look at it, it probably just isn't even going to happen, even though at this point I'd be soooo willing to try. However, that being said, I do know that she is in another relationship, and I have learned to NEVER go there again.