Grief is a funny emotion, you know? Sometimes, one doesn't even know that one is going through it, and then, there is the most common kind, where one knows they are going through it, but all they want to do is to make it stop, but just can't! When it came to dealing with my emotions around my ex-wife, it really was a violent mix of the two.
That being said, I think I had a breakthrough recently. For the first time, I admitted to myself that the one dream that I did have that I did not achieve, was to have kids with her. We discussed it many times, especially around the time we bought our condo in Gastown, also know as my dream loft! When we started to talk about it more seriously, I learned that she wanted to move back home to be closer to family. After my divorce, I never really put any thought back into it until recently. It all stated in a dark way when my insurance company asked me to apply for CPP Disability benefits. The application felt like it was 50 pages long, and by the end of it, it seemed pretty clear to me that having a child with a disability, from a financial point of view at least, was probably not the best of ideas.
I'd never really wanted to have children, although I did know that the woman who had moved across the country with me, and with whom I had just purchased and decorated my dream loft did. Or so I thought...
Now that I have realized that I did in fact want to have children with her one day, but that by the time we got married and lived it for a bit, we both failed to keep it alive, and it failed in a sudden and painful crash.
Now that I have had this realization, I'm really hoping that it will help me let go.